Your Survival Guide to Italy

If you ever plan to visit Italy.  Here are some words of wisdom from me to you...

1.)  Canoodling is an artform here.  Don't be afraid to mount your lover on any public bench or  at any cafe.  It would be weird not to.

2.)  Everyone here is tiny.  Most men and women have the body of a twelve year old boy making you feel like a giant.  Feeling like Alice in Wonderland is just something you will have to come to terms with. 

3.)  Remember to call your jeans or slacks trousers NOT pants.  In Europe pants mean underwear, and you will be laughed at. (Hopefully just not by a bunch of seven-year-olds like me)

4.)  Warm showers are a luxury you cannot depend on while in Italy.  Our boiler has already broken down four times, and when we asked others they said that it is pretty common.  This is rather curious considering I'm pretty sure the Romans were the ones to invent plumbing.  Oh well!

5.)  Meat is not worshipped here like it is back home in the States.  Before you come be sure to gorge yourself on the three holy spirits of meat: cow, chicken, and pig.  You will not find them on any menu or in any grocery market here.

6.)  Don't smile at Northern Italians.  They'll usually just glare back at you.  It's their way of saying, "Welcome to Italy, now get the hell out of my way."  If you wish to seek friendlier company, head south.

7.)  Be careful when you need emergency assistance.  The ER here has hours of operation posted on the door.  You must think I'm joking, but I swear, I saw them with my own eyes.  If your emergency falls at a time of inoperation then I guess you're just SOL.

8.)  Don't feed the pigeons at the cafe.  They have no problem attacking you for more which is quite scary considering pigeons here have more muscle mass than the Hulk.

9.)  If you rent a car, by all means use the horn.  Not using it every thirty seconds is considered inhuman not to mention probably punishable by law.

10.)  Finally, if you are eating out, make sure to do so only at noon or after 8pm.  At any other time you will be looked at as a pig.  As for breakfast, exchange your wheaties for a coffee or a wine spritzer.  Starting your morning any other way is considered sacreligious and you would hate to get on the wrong side of these Bible Thumping Italian Catholics.